Training Your Children to be Independent

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We often ask our children what they want to be when they grow up. A teacher, a doctor, a pilot, a veterinarian are all common answers. But what if your child said something like this instead:

“Mom, let me tell you what I want to be when I grow up. Nothing. Maybe I'll take a few classes at the nearby community college to make you think I'm interested in my future, but don't worry, I'll drop out before I have 24 credits. That apartment I rented with my buddies? Well, that didn't work out, so can I move back in? I'll try to keep my music down this time. Oh and can you keep the frig stocked with root bear and my favorite cereal is cinnamon Life. Yeah, so what do I want to be when I grow up? Dependent on you of course. Just like you taught me when I was a kid. Hey, pass the Cheetos, will you?”

So while we ask our children about their futures, we moms need to ponder the same question: What do we want our children to be when they grow up? Dependent or independent adults capable of surviving and thriving in the world. Of course, we want our children to be successful in life. That's a big challenge. We'd better start right away.

Children need to learn responsibility as they grow and develop. It will not all of a sudden come naturally when they turn 18. Children are not born with a work ethic. It is learned. No genetics about it. Many moms make the mistake of showering her child with what she believes is love, but later realizes her child only learned to be lazy and challenged at life.

Mom, your job is not to make your child happy all the time. Your job as their mother is to prepare your child for life – that big scary world. Are you going to push them out there completely unprepared for the cold realities of life? Or are you going to pack a suitcase, give them a map, pay for the cab with the money they saved on their own, embrace for a moment and send them off with a celebration as they turn around and say to you: “Thanks mom – I'll call you when I arrive.”

That is the destination you want for your children – Happy, responsible, independent adults.

So how do we get there? How do we teach responsibility? It's really a simple formula: You have expectations and you hold your children up to them. There is no wining, no bargaining, no excuses. This is life. Get used to it.

First things first. Think back to when you entered the world as an adult. Were you prepared? What were you not ready for? Did you know how to balance a check book? Did you know how to cook a few basic meals? What about doing laundry, buying groceries, saving money, avoiding debt? How about getting a job, how to finance a car? The list goes on. When teaching your child independence, think back to the things you knew and didn't know as you begin to formulate how to best prepare your child for the uncertainties of life.

Family Chores

Outlining chores will develop a child's level of responsibility. By age, each child should have items they are expected to complete before they can watch TV, play video games or associate with friends. Some are daily responsibilities such as making their bed and others are weekly or project based chores such as mowing the lawn or helping set up for a garage sale. These chores are a mandatory part of the privilege of being in your family. Just give your kids the old line: “You'll thank me later.”

Note: If your children are older, it's not too late to start a chore system in your home – even teenagers can learn responsibility. Hold a family meeting to discuss the details and ignore the moans and groans and rolling of eyes.

Completing a chore properly will take a learning curve on the child's part. You'll have to be there helping your child know what to do until they can execute the chore on their own. This may take several times before your child commits it to memory (and learns for life). For example, teaching how to load the dishwasher right may take several times of showing your child before he/she can do it. The cups go here, the dishes go there. Your child learns there is an order to accomplishing the task. This may take three times of walking your child through it, before they've got it down. Teaching your child to make their own bed may take six times. But then your child will know how to do it, will do it and you won't have to. Wow – bonus for mom!

Youngsters tend to love doing chores, especially if mom is there helping them. It's great to start young. Children the age of three should be picking up their own toys. Five year olds should be making their own beds every day. They will learn to take pride in themselves by taking care of their things. This same pride will transfer as an adult when they are taking care of themselves.

To organize your family chores – chores that help the family as a whole – consider using a chore chart. This will list the chores (dishes, vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, pet care, etc.) and have family names that can be placed by each item with the option to rotate the names by week. Each child will be responsible for that chore for that time period. You are to make sure the chore gets done and gets done right. Be very careful however not to hurt their feelings. Lovingly correct them until they get it right and then make the child feel great and appreciated once they have mastered it.

Motivating your children to accomplish their chores will take some effort. Many moms have said: “It's easier to do it myself.” But that doesn't teach a child how to be ready for life. So it may not be easier for you at first, but you need to be consistent. Do not use allowance as a motivator. Children need to learn to participate in the family without monetary rewards and giving an allowance for chores complicates a mom's life (trying to manage if the chores got done before you pay out) – something none of us needs. But you can create “extra” chores like mowing the lawn, cleaning out the frig or organizing the pantry that can be paid chores.

Daily expectations for each child will vary by age. A five-year old is expected to get dressed by themselves and get their seatbelt fastened. All children age five and above should make their beds before going to school. The following is a guideline you can follow by age to mark your progress. Every child should be able to do these items on a daily or regular basis by the time they leave for college.