A Different Approach to Screaming and Tantrums

With a big screamer comes big problems. Conventional advice will tell you to either ignore it or give praise to good behavior (or both). This is great advice, but I'm going to go out of the bounds on this one and try a different approach.

When my daughter was three-years old, she would do these all out, full blown tantrums with screaming that could be heard across town. My first reaction was to fix her. Why is she doing this? What can I do to stop her? Nothing worked.

Then I tried another method: I tried to fix me instead of trying to fix her. I realized a few things that would happen to me when she was screaming. First, I would start to get uptight and frustrated. Second, I would scurry around trying to figure out which "method" I could try: ignore it, time out, etc. When nothing worked, I would get more uptight and frustrated. Then I would either lock myself in the bathroom to cool off or cry. If we were in public, then I had emotions of embarrassment come over me. Regardless of my daughter's screaming, I started to see that I had a problem too.

I whole-heartedly believe that a child under the age of five can easily "feel" your emotions. At the age of five, the child begins to base their judgments by knowledge more so. A baby especially mainly receives feedback through feelings. In other words, a child is a reflection of your emotions.

So when a toddler screams or throws a tantrum, make it your problem and not your child's. Ask yourself: "Do I feel calm, peaceful and happy right now?" "Could it be that she is upset, because I'm stressed out or not paying attention?" "Does her screaming embarrass me?" "Does her screaming make me upset?"

Then use this as "spiritual training" and teach yourself how to become calm, stay peaceful and confident. Imagine you are "transparent" and the screams go right through you. You can't feel them. Do this for a couple of weeks with any trouble or frustration and see what happens. When the screaming no longer bothers you, it will no longer be an issue.

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