WORKSHOP on Anger: Stop Yelling at Your Kids and Find Your Hidden Potential

Welcome to the ceoMom Workshop on anger. Most moms "lose it" from time to time, but for some moms, shouting, yelling and anger are regular occurrences. An experienced mom facing anger knows when to put herself into a timeout. An inexperienced mom will cave to her anger. An experienced mom knows how to become transparent to anger. An inexperienced mom gets taken over by anger. Reading this, you may know exactly where you stand on this topic. Not to worry if you feel you are on the angry side. We'll turn you from an inexperienced mom to one who is educated about anger and how it plays you.  
 
For today, simply think about how you react when you feel angry. Do you shout, yell, push, throw? Do you grit your teeth, point your finger? What words do you use? How do your children react when you are angry? Do they stand there with big eyes, run away and hide, start to cry? Just for today, think back and watch yourself from a distance. Who is that mom? 
 
Tomorrow we will continue this discussion in greater details. You'll definitely want to hear the next part.  
 
ceoMom 101

Before we dive into what anger is and how to get rid of it, let’s talk about what anger does to you. Anger is an emotion that stimulates your body’s survival systems including your immune and androgenic hormone systems. In other words, anger (and other negative strong reactions) results in higher blood pressure and cholesterol levels. If you are angry often and consistently, your body begins to break down usually creating heart disease. Moreover, your immune system becomes compromised and you get sick easier and more often. More serious concerns include cancer and diabetes. All these conditions are said to be linked to your emotions.  

Emotions don’t just go away. They manifest into something else. Each time you get angry or upset, you are bringing in very strong emotions into your body. And those emotions stay around, even after you’ve calmed down. Over time, the emotions begin to break down your body from the inside out. A stiff neck, back pain, high cholesterol, heart disease, cancer… You get the picture. Anger hurts you.  

It was once said (and I believe this), that the best gift you can give your kids is to take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you are more available to your family – physically and emotionally. When you realize that strong negative emotions compromise your ability to be there, you begin to say: “No more. It’s not worth it. There’s got to be a better way.”  

There is a better way. Stick around and we’ll show you how.  

Love,

ceoMom 101

Anger is not always the question of right or wrong. It is almost always a matter of necessary or unnecessary. Surely there is a place for it. Sometimes it takes anger to make drastic changes in our lives. Or often we need to feel anger when we see injustices in the world that require us to do something about it. But anger is an extreme emotion for extreme situations. In our homes, void of any serious issues, anger typically isn’t a necessary emotion. The painful reality is when we realize we are using extreme and unnecessary behaviors to drive our children to merely pick up their toys, to go to bed or to eat their broccoli.  

The type of anger we’re discussing (unnecessary mom anger) manifests into yelling at kids, the inability to stay calm in a stressful situation and for some: physical and emotional abuse towards children. You won’t be surprised to hear that none of this is necessary or appropriate. Sure, you’re a mom. You’re going to lose it from time to time. It’s natural as you learn to mother. But realize defeat. This is the hardest part of being a mom. You have to pick yourself up and try again; yet recognizing you made a mistake and resolve to do better. If you’re finding yourself yelling all the time, know there is a more meaningful way.  

The FIRST part of changing the behavior is understanding how your individual body works. Listening to our bodies is a lost science. Your body is constantly telling you things, but you’re not listening. It seems the only time we hear anything is when our tummies rumble signaling hunger and yet when we are in tune, there is a whole conversation going on.  

When you are about to get angry, for example, your body will tell you what is about to happen. You might only get two seconds of communication, but if you listen, you’ll hear it loud and clear. For one, the signal might be immediate shortness of breath or holding one’s breath. For another, it might be an immediate rise in body temperature or certain facial changes like widening of the eyes or purse of the lip. When anger is about to hit, your body will react in the same way it always has – you just may not have realized it. And it will continue to react in the same way – only now you know what it means: You’re about to get angry. You’re about to point your finger at your three-year old and yell at him. You’re about to tell your second grader that you’re sick of her acting that way. You’re about to tell your teenager how they messed up again.  

Or maybe you’ll listen to your body this time, realize it’s about to get angry and decide in that moment that you won’t get angry after all. You’ve had the signal given to you and you listened. In those two seconds you’ve said to yourself: “Oh look! I’m holding my breath again. That’s my signal that I’m about to lose it. I don’t want to lose it. My children are precious to me.”  

You then have to make a new choice. We’ll talk about that in the coming days. You’re job now is figure out what your body wants to tell you. Discover your signal that leads to anger. It’s part of the forgotten language to be rediscovered by you.  

Love,

ceoMom 101

Detachment from anger is key. If you’re like most moms, you see anger as something inside of you, part of who you are. That’s why you can’t help it. It’s all hard wired into you. So you try to control it. Sometimes you can; other times you slip into old patterns.  

Anger is not who you are. Yelling at your kids is not part of you. Who you truly are wants nothing to do with it. That’s why you try so hard to control it. But control doesn’t work either. Sooner or later you’ll lose control, damage your children in the process and try to control again. Getting rid of anger is not about controlling; it’s about letting go.  

The first thing to let go is the imaginary concept that anger is part of who you truly are. You are not anger. You are love. You are peace. You are a mother. If you don’t believe me, take a moment and ask yourself.  

So where did anger come from? From your life experiences thus far, shaping you into what you are, but not who you are. Anger is outside of who you are. See it as that: outside. It's time to detach yourself from it. Cut the string. Close the door. You are no longer going to identify yourself by anger or by labeling yourself an angry person or a mom who can’t keep it together. 

When you see anger as outside of who you truly are, you see it for what it is: an ailment, an illness, a disease trying to plague you. It’s like a germ infested room when you’re tying not to get sick. You know the germs are flying all around you looking for a vulnerable spot to take you over. Anger is like that. It waits outside your door, holding for the right opportunity to jump in and spread its disease. When you’ve calmed down, anger takes it’s comfortable spot outside your door again.  

Anger is not part of you. It’s an outsider. But it doesn’t want you to know that. That’s how it keeps its power over you. So long as you identify with it and make it part of you, anger keeps its strength. It’s strengthened by you. When you realize who you truly are – love – anger weakens. It can’t attach to you and grow.  

Now that you recognize what anger is, a disease, you can be aware. Aware of it sitting behind your door. If it comes in, you can say: “Out you go” or as my mother used to say: “You can take the door from the other side.” We will discuss just how to do that tomorrow. For today, simply visualize anger as an outsider looking in.  

Love,

ceoMom 101

Yesterday, while at a museum with my children, I witnessed several moms who were displaying angry behavior. Perhaps it is because I am working on this workshop that I was privy to such displays, but it jolted me just the same. Here is one example: While getting a few of those flattened keepsake pennies for my kids, another child walked over curiously to see what we were doing. He was not in our way, but certainly wanted a closer look of the pennies as they dropped out. Without warning, his mother came up, grabbed his arm and began yelling at him as she quickly walked towards a bench. The little boy was demanded to sit down and “stay out of the way of other people.” What was said to the little boy following this continued to be inappropriate, degrading and inflated. The little boy just sat there with his head down.  

When you allow anger inside, when you identify with it, it hurts you and it hurts those around you. Your children are changed. Their curiosity, as in this example, is replaced with shame. Curiosity and imagination are deadened. When you yell at your children, something beautiful inside them gets replaced, shifted or questioned. Ironically, children can become angry themselves. Angry at you, angry at themselves and angry at the world. There are two main ways to create angry adults: A childhood consisting of anger and yelling – or – a childhood void of emotions completely (or in other words, a child who feels ignored). How you show emotion is key.  

Visualize this: Get down on your knees. Now, imagine looking up at a big adult who is yelling at you. Their face is red with anger and they’re pointing their finger telling you how bad you are. “Why don’t you listen?,” the person shouts. “Why did you push your sister?,” the person screams. “Why can’t you stay focused?,” the person yells. This person is your mother: the person who is supposed to love you, to take care of you. How does it feel when your mother makes you feel so little? Close your eyes. Can you feel the pain anger causes?  

Anger is not necessary. In fact, anger doesn’t work. It doesn’t give you the results you want. You want your children to grow up feeling loved, appreciated and important. Anger destroys all of those. Anger doesn’t usually help in the short term either. Children often become more unruly and difficult for simply reasons: they are doing what you are teaching. That is, you deal with your problems with anger and so do they. Anger doesn’t work. We’ll show you what does.  

Sincerely,

ceoMom 101

Let's recap before we discuss how to rid yourself of anger and yelling at your kids:

• Anger physically hurts you.
• Pre-anger can be recognized by listening to your body cues.
• Detachment from anger (recognizing that it is not who you are) is key.
• Anger changes those around you.
• Anger does not give you the results you want.
• Anger is not necessary. 

 

It's now time to discuss how to divert the angry energy and gain your true mom power. This might sound easy on the surface, but skilled moms know it's easier said than done. Here's the trick: You always have to be on guard until you have it down pat or until your kids go to college, which ever comes first. Wake up every morning and take one moment to think of your game plan (it literally only takes one second). Some moms will post a reminder on their frig or on their bathroom mirror. You only have to be aware. Aware of anger at your door. If you are aware, the door may never even open. If it does and you find that anger has hit you after all, here's what to do: 

TIMEOUT FOR MOM

This is the easiest thing to do and probably what you'll do the most at first. It's simple. No matter what is going on (kids screaming, tantrum on the floor, food throwing, kids fighting, etc.), you remove yourself from the situation. So long as your kids are in no immediate danger, you lock yourself in the bathroom. Take the baby monitor with you. Go ahead and cry. Let it all out. Or take several deep breaths reenergizing your body. Put your head between your knees. Whatever it takes for you to calm down and refocus. This might take one minute or 10 minutes. In fact, it might only take 10 seconds. You will find the anger will dissipate and you will be filled with a powerful energy. You will walk out of the bathroom and handle the situation without anger. The solution will come to you. The kids will calm down. That is true mom power.  

BECOME TRANSPARENT

A typical person's first reaction to anger is to get angry in return. That's why when your kids are fighting, you get angry. When your toddler throws a tantrum, your first reaction is to get mad. When your husband is upset, you return the favor. Anger for anger. An experienced mom knows how to become transparent in the face of anger. This will be one of the hardest things you learn as a mom: how to stay calm when life is a mess and your kids are screaming. If you return anger for anger, you'll get more anger. But if you splash water on fire, the fire gets put out.  

But how does a mom become transparent? First, you utilize all the information above. You know what your body cues are, you recognize anger coming on and you become aware of it knocking at your door. Then in that split second you make a choice: A. Take a Timeout or B. Become Transparent.  

Should you decide to become transparent, you immediately imagine your body as transparent, clear and see-through (go ahead and visualize this now). Then you imagine the screams from your child going right through you (imagine the screams are real objects). Whatever your kids are doing to aggravate you, it goes right through you. At that moment you will discover the same mom power that you find after a timeout. You'll be able to handle the situation with a clear mind capable of new ideas to solve the problem. Inspiration — Your mom power.  

GIVE YOURSELF A CONSEQUENCE

When your children become aggressive, whether they hit, bite or yell, you give them a consequence. A timeout, loss of privileges or sent to their room are all things kids don't want. They'll even change their tune to avoid losing their video game time or having to play by themselves in their room. The same accord works for moms.

Go ahead. Choose a consequence for yourself. How about every time your anger gets out-of-control, you have to run around your house five times (upstairs and all). Or better yet, you can't wear makeup all day long, even if you are having lunch with your best friend. Seriously now. Choose a consequence for yourself. When your temper bursts, you run. The first time you lap around your house, you'll laugh at yourself. The second time, you'll shake your head. The third time, you'll grip your lip. Soon, your body will connect anger with physical pain or emotional torment and you'll soon stop the anger before it even starts. You'll say to yourself in the moment of anger: "Nope, it's not worth having to run around for this." One of the reasons anger persists is simply because it can. Now that you have a consequence, see if you change your tune too.

REWARD YOURSELF

When you want your kids to feel motivated, you provide a sticker chart or tell them if they do this, they get to have that. We moms like to have rewards too. Give yourself a goal and when you reach your goal, reward yourself! Go and buy that shirt you’ve had your eye on or make your favorite treat. Maybe your goal will be to go one full day in peace, maybe one week. If you slip up, you’ll shake your head hoping the shirt hasn’t sold out or your craving for your favorite dessert will just have to continue. But when you reach your goal, you’ll feel great inside and out.

LISTEN INSTEAD

Another simple trick to defeating anger is the power of listening. Our first reaction is to talk back, yell or shout when faced with an angry person. Seriously, just keep quite. Don't say a word and let the other person rant and rave. Just be there as they go through the process of anger. Maintain eye contact and let them know you are by their side with your body language, but don't speak. When you don't fuel the fire, it often stops on its own. And the person might work through their problem without your help. This works especially great for teenagers and teaches them how to solve problems and work through their own anger.  

BALANCE 

You need balance in your life. Just as anger can stimulate your body to action, the parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for calming it. To help calm yourself on a regular basis, make sure you are getting enough sleep. Then introduce relaxing practices into your life such as Tai Chi, yoga and mediation, which studies show help the parasympathetic nervous system calm your body. These will bring balance into your life and prevent anger from starting. Even a simple deep breath several times a day will reset your mind for peace.  

In the end, it will take practice to overcome angry behavior. But the results of a peaceful home are outstanding. Health, love, family, growth — just to name a few. Remember, if you should ever falter, make sure to tell your kids you are "sorry." They learn so much by your example of apologizing. It brings a renewed strength to your family and the ability to try again tomorrow. Go mom!  

Love,

ceoMom 101

This is the conclusion to our Workshop on Anger. Please let us know your feedback or other topics you would like us to consider. You may send a private message to ceoMom 101 through your ceoMom account.