WORKSHOP on Kid's Anger: A Lifelong Lesson

Welcome to our ceoMom Workshop on Kid’s Anger. Whether it is your toddler throwing a tantrum, a frustrated second grader or a teenager slamming doors, we’ll be discussing how to bring awareness and peace to their lives as well as yours. We’ll show you why "looking in" is more important than stopping the anger.

You’ve read and practiced the Workshop on “Mom” Anger – Now it’s time to educate your children and teach them the lifelong lesson of anger awareness. Let’s start today by looking at the simple reasons why a child of any age can become frustrated and angry (we will be discussing these in detail soon):

-- Lack of sleep, hunger, approaching sickness
-- Lack of attention
-- Desire to control
-- Result of frustration

Think about yourself for a moment. You’re an adult – a well functioning grownup. When do you or have you become frustrated in life? Is it when you are tired, when you want someone to notice you or when you are trying to figure something out?

For today, let’s think about what our own frustration triggers are and then recognize that children are motivated by the same things. When you are tired, you get cranky. When a child is tired, they get upset. Soon you will recognize that your child’s behavior is no different than your own – it’s just perhaps more noticeable, simply because children have not yet mastered their bodies. We’ll give you the tools to help your children along the way. It’s a lesson they’ll use for life.

See you tomorrow!

ceoMom 101

Every time your child shows anger, it is a teaching opportunity. Let’s say this again: Every time your child shows anger, it is a teaching opportunity. If your only mission is to stop the behavior, it will come back again. But if your goal is to teach your child how to manage their feelings, your child will ultimately be able to recognize and control their own emotions. This is a lesson they will use for life.

Children of all ages are learning to control their bodies. This is very hard to do. It’s even hard for us seasoned adults sometimes. Imagine being inside this new little body and trying to figure out how the world works. Newborns cry, toddlers throw tantrums, teenagers have fits. It’s ok. It’s all ok. They are simply trying to learn how to deal with life. You can let your children figure it out on their own – or you can help them along.

Lack of sleep, hunger, approaching sickness
Just like adults, children are 10 times more likely to become irritable if they are tired, hungry or sick (and more so if a combination presents itself). When a child exhibits angry behavior, it is important to immediately ask yourself if they may be in fact tired, hungry or sick. A quiet time resting or a healthy snack may be just the right thing to help a child regain their balance. TEACHING MOMENT: Every time you solve anger with a rest, food or discovering an ailment, explain to your child what happened. “Oh look, you were hungry. That’s why you were cranky. See how your body works? Next time you feel that way, tell me and I’ll get you a snack.”

Lack of attention
Often children will act out when they want your attention. Negative attention is better to a child than no attention at all. If your child is whining or screaming, ask yourself if they might just need a little bit of your time. Sometimes a hug or the “tickle monster” can turn cries into laughter. If your children are constantly fighting, for example, it is very likely they need a new activity. This requires you to stop what you are doing, focus on the children and create a new and stimulating environment. TEACHING MOMENT: Every time you solve anger with your time, express to your child how much you love them. “Oh I know why you were so cranky. You just needed some mom time. You know I am always here for you. Will you come and talk to me next time?”

Desire to control
Children also desire a sense of control. As they grow and develop, so do their personalities and preferences. Some children will feel strongly about certain things such as clothing or personal possessions. When they realize they can’t wear a dress out in the snow or feel highly possessive when another child threatens to take something, anger might present itself. This all has to do with a new found sense of control. TEACHING MOMENT: Life is about choices. Giving children choices and allowing your children to maintain their favorite possessions, is the easiest fix for control issues. In doing so, you are letting go of some of the control too. “You have to wear pants outside, so do you want to wear your blue jeans or your purple sweats? You choose.” “You can keep your favorite things in this box. We’ll keep the box in your room where no one can take anything from it. What will you choose to put in the box?” “You can have two friends over. Who will it be?”

Result of frustration
It’s frustrating trying to learn something for the first time. Imagine your computer all of a sudden won’t work. You try this and you try that, but it just won’t budge. You want to shout, shake your fist at the screen and maybe even fall on the floor kicking and screaming. That’s exactly how children feel when they too are learning to navigate through this world. Maybe a child is trying to button their own shirt, perhaps they want a book on the top shelf or maybe they are trying to figure out their algebra homework. This can all become very frustrating, very fast. TEACHING MOMENT: When a child displays frustration, it is important to teach them communication skills. This will need to be repeated over and over again before a child will internalize it. “Try to button your shirt, but if you need help, ask for me, ok? Don’t get frustrated. I’ll come and help you.” Once they show improvement with communication, it is imperative the good behavior be rewarded immediately. “Good job asking for help! It’s always ok to ask for help.”

Children of all ages and even adults have to learn how to communicate their needs and feelings. Whether one is tired, needs a little attention or is just plain frustrated, being able to communicate without anger is a lifelong lesson. So, how does a person of any age, especially children, learn to communicate their feelings? By recognizing who they are not. We’ll explain.

ceoMom 101

We now recognize why most children can become angry. They are simply trying to understand the world around them. Punishing a child for that now seems unreasonable and harsh. Spanking a child is not appropriate in any circumstance. But what do you do when things become completely out-of-control? Surely you just can’t stand there and do nothing. Well, sometimes that’s exactly what you should do; other times may require action. Let’s talk about this some more.

Do nothing
When your environment is safe and the angry child poses no threat of harm to others, it is perfectly ok to just allow the anger to diffuse on its own. This means you ignore the behavior and continue on as you were doing. A child may need to be put in a room if you believe they are out-of-control. The child will eventually calm down on their own.

Help the calming process
When your child begins to calm down on their own, you can then assist the process by helping them relax and gaining their control back. Have your child lie down on the couch with a sippy cup or take a rest in their room. It’s important here to use soft reassuring words as the anger leaves. “Oh look, you’re calming down. Let me help you.” This is not rewarding the bad behavior; this is rewarding your child’s efforts of calming down on their own.

Time-in
During the cool-down time, tell your child it is now time for a “Time-In.” Unlike a time-out that removes the child, a time-in is a special time for the child to look within themselves for the answers. It is a time of reflection. This works wonderfully with school-aged children in particular. This also works for a child who is not upset, but needs to learn something about an action.

No set time
If you put your angry child into a time-out or a room to calm down, do not put a time on it. No timers. Your child can come out when he has calmed down and regained his control.

Keep your cool
We spent lots of time discussing this in the ceoMom Workshop on Mom Anger, but it needs to be mentioned again here. Your child feels your emotions at all times. If you become upset, yelling or shouting back at the child, the anger will drastically elevate. Keeping your cool through any anger fit is your number one priority.

Solve it
Solve the problem before it happens. You will have to remind your child about this again and again, but as you feel tension rising, explain there is no reason to get upset if you can solve the problem. “There is always a solution. Let’s see what we can do about this without getting upset.” Or “Don’t get mad; let’s just solve it.” After awhile the child will begin to solve things on their own taking the emotion out of it.

Prevent
You will learn and learn very quickly what can set off your child. Prevent it. If you know your child will scream until he gets the book off the top shelf, don’t put any books on the top shelf and instead make all his books available on his level. Set up your environment for success.

Communicate
Children can understand more than you think they can (even toddlers). If you talk to them and communicate your expectations, there will be less room for disagreement and frustration. When life is calm is the time to discuss what is important to you. No one listens when it is told out of frustration or stress, nor can your children hear you when they are angry. Communicate at the right times and see the results.

Big deal or not
When your child really wants something or wants to try to do something, is it really a big deal? Say your child is painting with watercolors on paper and then wants to paint their own legs and arms. Is it really a big deal if they do? If you’re about to leave the house, maybe it’s not great timing. But if you’re just shy of bath time, let them paint away and then drop them in the bath for a good scrubbing. If your daughter doesn’t want to wear a bow in her hair, does it really matter? Or if they just don’t want to eat their green beans, is it the end of the world? Children need structure, but also need freedom. When people, including children, feel too much restriction, they often rebel.

Change of environment
Often children simply get bored. Boredom equals frustration. Providing a new activity, engaging with your child for a few solid minutes or changing environments (like taking a walk, going out back or taking a regular toy, but allowing the child to play with it in a different room) can prevent or solve frustrated children.

Body and health
Again, make sure your child gets enough sleep, is not hungry and always be on the lookout for approaching sicknesses. Any one of these can create sudden bursts of anger. A tired child is the number reason for anger. A rest, nap or more sleep at night is an easy fix to prevent anger from starting.

There is one more very big thing you can do to solve anger within children. In fact, it’s a life lesson. That’s next on our agenda as we discuss Kid’s Anger.

ceoMom 101

Anger is only an emotion. It is not who your child is. Solving anger takes only thing and one thing only: Awareness. Show your child this and it’ll be a lesson learned for life.

Emotions are emotions. They are not who you are and anger doesn’t define a child. There is no such thing as an angry child; only a child who is angry for a moment. Strong emotions, such as anger, come and go as a result of a need or a want. It is nothing more than a trigger for something else.

When you realize anger is not who you are, you can stop it in its tracks. How is this done? Simply by recognizing it for what it is: an emotion not attached to you or your child. If you teach this to your child by bringing awareness each time your child becomes frustrated or angry, they will begin to recognize it for themselves. This is how you do it:

Introducing Mr. Mad
Since anger is not who your child is, choose a name for it. Allow your child to help in the naming process. We chose “Mr. Mad.” Introduce Mr. Mad to your children by using an illustration. Explain that Mr. Mad lives outside of them and when they get upset, they allow Mr. Mad to come into their bodies. In this way, you show anger as an external thing that one has a choice to allow in or not.

Each time your child begins to get upset, remind them of Mr. Mad. “Oh there is Mr. Mad coming.” At first, your child might actually get more upset by hearing this, but that will be temporary. Sooner than later, your child will begin to see the correlation and not want to allow Mr. Mad in. Why? Because Mr. Mad makes them upset, makes them cry and it hurts to be so upset. Be sure to keep this serious. Don’t tease your child about Mr. Mad and don’t allow your other children to tease a child experiencing Mr. Mad.

In the mean time, help your child “get rid of Mr. Mad.” Use physical motions like taking Mr. Mad out of their ears or have your child cough him out. Take Mr. Mad and throw him out the door. Children learn not to identify with being angry, realize it’s not who they are and are provided with a sense of control over their thoughts and actions. Soon your child will be able to recognize Mr. Mad on their own, spit him out and be able to clearly think about a solution instead of throwing a tantrum. It’s showing your children their own true power.

Don’t be surprised if your child notices you having a Mr. Mad too. If you should ever get upset, your children might see it in you. That’s a great thing for your child to not only see it in themselves, but in other people. Get rid of your Mr. Mad the same way you show your children. Ring him out and send him on his way.

Show your illustration of Mr. Mad at least once a week for a few weeks to solidify the connection. A fun way to do this is to create a “mad face” on a popsicle stick and a “happy face” on a popsicle stick (or even a photo of your child). Explain the mad face is Mr. Mad and the happy face is your child. When Mr. Mad comes, he covers up the happy face. Your child will be able to visualize how Mr. Mad takes over and hides who they really are. Then play “Mr. Mad Tag” by allowing your child with the happy face stick chase you around as you hold the Mr. Mad stick. “Get Mr. Mad!” you all shout as you chase around the house. You can also introduce “Mr. Impatient,” “Mr. Nervous (shy),” “Mr. Sleepy,” “Mr. Proud,” “Mr. Mine,” etc. if you have other specific issues.

As your child grows, they will continue to recognize their Mr. Mad. At some point they will discover their Mr. Mad is also their ego. Being able to recognize one’s ego at play is a lesson of a lifetime. Your child, at any age, will be able to make decisions, make choices, communicate from within and create their life from who they truly are. When one is in such a place, their true power unveils. And this is exactly what Mr. Mad doesn’t want you to know.

Love,
ceoMom 101
This concludes our Workshop on Kid’s Anger. Thank you for joining us!